Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
