There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
