Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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