I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm always down for nudity.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
