this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
