Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
