You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
