If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
