I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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