At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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