your thong is hanging out like whoa
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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