I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
