I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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