its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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