Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
