She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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