Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
