I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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