nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
