if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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