I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
