i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
