When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
