My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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