dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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