i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize