I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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