Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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