Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
