i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
