tonight lets celebrate not being married
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
