Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
