Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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