I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
