she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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