the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
