just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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