Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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