woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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