I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize