I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
