Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
