I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
