My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
