Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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