by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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