Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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