I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
