if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
