Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
