I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize