i jhust puked up my retainher.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
