I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
