Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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