my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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