i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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