if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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