I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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