i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
