A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
